Saturday, July 04, 2009
well..prayer meet today was good i guess...kinda triggered emotions i shld say...yea..almost cried but i didn't...but i liked today's session alot...so thanks to those who planned it =) then came home after that cos i din join them for supper even though i din eat dinner...sorry guys..just wasn't in the right mood i guess...o wells..
haiz..sometimes i really can't stand myself....why can't i just do what is right correctly and well...why do i keep letting my heart take control and get all sad and emo again? why can't i just let go? why can't i just move on and not let that affect me anymore? i really duno wat im thinking...i guess im starting to know myself less and less...where has the ger who is strong gone to? where has the optimistic ger gone to? where has the ger who has faith gone to? i guess...that ger has just disappeared into thin air and i duno if i can ever find her again =(((
many times..i dun understand why i do what i do..or why i feel what i feel...idk but i think whenever i do sth i know im not supposed to do..i always give myself excuses as to why i do those things..but the thing is..after that when im alone i start to wonder why i do all those stuffs..and most of the time...idk why i do those stuffs =( i guess all those excuses are just to make me feel better at that point of time..but at the end of the day...it just makes it worst i guess..
sometimes i really wish i could control myself more..i wish i could take a more firm stand and stand by it faithfully until all this shit is over =(((( im really very tired...im serious...physically tired cos i haven't been sleeping well at all..mentally and emotionally tired too...i guess the mental and emotional tiredness has led to my physical tiredness..idk...i really really want to run away from all these..sometimes i wish all these din exist and all these din happen at all...but..who am i to blame at the end of the day for all these? i guess its no one but myself...idk..im really getting very irritated with myself for being so emotionally weak..and for letting my emotions get in the way of my studies....idk how many times i've broken down this week already la =((( why can't ger be stronger? why can't ger be stronger like she used to be??? why can't she stop thinking unnecessarily??
i dun want to be the one who's always thinking and wondering about stuffs...cos i noe the other party isn't thinking or worrying about me at all...i just want to get over this asap..but i seem to be failing really badly =((( idk whats happening to me.....see even when im typing this post...water just has to come out from my eyes la..rawrrrrr..wats the problem with me la!!!!!!!! =((((((((((((
i guess..i've forgotton what it feels like to experience true happiness...or rather..true happiness for me is never long-lasting =(( i really wish i could be truely happy now and not having to put on a strong front infront of ppl...idk..i feel really suffocated now..like its killing me la =( idk idk..i dun think many ppl will understand how it feels like..but yea..its just a horrible feeling..even crying dosen't help anymore la..but just as im feeling suffocated...im feeling empty as well...like there's a big hole inside of me. i guess only God can fill that hole for me..but IDK!!!!! I REALLY REALLY REALLY HATE THIS FEELING!!!! i feel so chocked!! =(((((
i guess...there's just too many bitter-sweet memories =((( too much for me to handle =((