Sunday, July 19, 2009
hmm...change is the only constant in life...i guess thats really true..things change, people change. haiz..sometimes i wish things will change at a slower rate. i guess im not good enough to catch up. it seems im always lagging behind. i guess its cos i always take a long time to adapt to changes and when i finally adapt to a certain change or sth, i realise im really lagging. its just happening too quickly sometimes..i need to improve my adaptation skills i guess...haiz..looks like i din improve at all since last time..i used to be slow in adapting to changes but now its still the same =( o wells..i'll try my best to improve...
hmm..because of the many changes around us, ppl tend to change very quickly too. one minute they can be nice to you, and the next minute you know they're bitching about u behind ur back..thats quite scary i guess...somtimes i wish ppl can be who they really are and dun have to hide their true self. sometimes i wish ppl won't be so hypocritical. hmm..idk if its just me or what..but i can't tell who's being hypocritical and who's really being nice...idk if im just too blur and naive or im just plain stupid and blind..haiz..idk..but this feeling sucks..i dun like this feeling..its like when i trust someone and that person treats me the same as he/she treats others around me and at the end of the day i find out that the person was making use of me or was just being a hypocrate. its feels terrible u know and i guess this thing has happened many times already. in the past, in the present, and idk about the future..but i dun seem to be learning my lesson..and im irritated with myself.
well, instead of talking about others, i shall speak for myself...hmm..i guess im no different from other ppl because i've also changed alot...i guess,i've changed so much that i've lost my true self..idk who is ger anymore. every time i look into the mirror, im recognizing less and less of myself already. i guess i've been trying too hard to please the ppl around me. i wasn't like that last time. in sec sch i was just being myself and if my friends weren't happy about it, we talk it out and argue about it and had our fair share of cold wars, but we still made up in the end and we became even closer. i really miss those times. i really do. i think out of all my sec sch friends, i had the most cold war with isa jie, but we're still good friends although we kinda drifted quite alot now. but at that time, i felt i din have to keep conforming to the ppl around me.. i was who i am and i could be who i was without worrying too much. i rmb i had the mindset that i can't please everyone, so i won't try to please everyone and be who i am...but now, that mindset is gone somehow, and i dun like it. now, i keep wanting to please everyone. im always so afraid to make ppl angry or unhappy, and i guess in this process, i keep changing or rather, i dun show my true self, up till a point where i dun even know what my true self is like. its like completely lost. i want to find back the ger i was. i want to find myself again. i want to be who i really am!!!!
haiz...somtimes i wish i could see things more clearly..i wish i could noe wat lies ahead of me..i wish i could know why certain things happen...i wish i could know why certain ppl are put into my life..i wish i could know who to trust and who not to trust..i wish i could know who's being sincere and who is not...i wish....somethings could be less complex. but i guess, life has a complicated nature, and we can't change that. haiz..and i guess we may not understnad why certain things happen at that point of time, but we'll find out as time goes by. haiz..i guess God's time and our time are really different, so we just have to wait patiently since things will only happen in His time, and if He permits. =(
well, after thinking things through today, i can conclude that i've changed a whole lot..for the better or for the worst idk. idk..while thinking, i was reminded of fri, when i was at the beach with rf. i thought of the time when she let me listen to the song "win". that song brought back memories of my days in db. i really miss db alot. even though i seem to be alright and numb about quitting, but, i do miss db alot. the sport, and the ppl although im not very close to them. but still, i miss those times. during the time in db, i felt that i grew alot. emotionally, mentally, and of course physically stronger. during that time, especially in the beginning, i had a lot of determination and willpower to do things well and to put my best in everything i do no matter how tough or tired i was. i wish...i could get back the determination, willpower and motivation i had...i guess i lost all of that, but i want to get it back...somehow...
rawrr..i think this post is totally unorganized..rawrr my brain is weird today..ok nvm..i just hope it makes sense...(this is the longest time i took to type a post..rawrr)